She always stayed away from commitments. Always.. she took a long time to realise why the hell she did that. Why was she so honest about the fact that she did not want a relationship? Why did she always sabotage a good relationship even before it started to stabilise? Why did she leave all those guys who wanted to be with her at the first hint of emotions. The answer was very obvious to her now, it was not then. She laughed with friends about her fear of commitment not only with people but also things for crying out loud. She could not use the same pen or the same notebook each day of the week. She had 5 varieties of shampoos and handwashes. She did reach the conclusion once that it is not the fear of commitment but the fear of routine. She had read once routine is lethal and she had internalised the fact that she would not be the woman to survive with a routine. She travelled, made new friends, had many men in her life some serious and some not that serious. She would never let routine seep into her life .. she promised..

She woke up on a beautiful saturday morning to watch this man lying next to her. She realised that she has spent more can 3 years with him without that fear, she did not have the need to end love, she did not have the need to blame love for her miseries, she did not have a reason to hate men, she did not have a reason to mistrust.. she was at peace..

She did not understand.. so decided to spend the weekened thinking about it. Many thoughts crossed her mind – maybe she had given up on being herself.. maybe she had lost the fire, maybe she was too much in routine to have the courage to go out of it.. at a point, she felt this was all an illusion… her skeptic self took a lot of time to really believe that this man had been with her for 3 years inspite of ups and downs.. the same smile, the same energy, the same enthusiasm as when she first met him..

He woke up, smiled at her, said I love you and she replied looking at him wondering what had changed .. How did the big issues as she called them and as counsellors had taught her dissapear? The trust issues, abandonment issues, everyone is going to take me down issues…I cannot live with anyone issues…dad issues.. where were they?

He touched her hand and put it on his chest and pulled her close to him to rest her head on him .. thats when she realised.. it was peace.

She always thought she needed to take the hard road to climb the mountain. She realised just at that moment that the road always did not need to be tough. During her trekking days on the himalayas, she always saw two ways to summit.. the steps and the path… the steps were well laid out, quicker but hurt the knees while the path was full of shrubs, thorns, mud, stones but did not hurt …when she used the path, she reached the summit without her legs hurting. She was not out of breath and was able to enjoy the view and the feeling of achievement in that exact moment..she would look at the other trekkers and think.. why on earth did they have to take the steps?.. idiots…

She realised, all throughout her life, thats what she has been doing. Taking the hard way.. choosing the wrong people intentionally to prove that love is hard and that all she could succeed in was her career.

This man just happened to her and when she took a trip back to how all of it started, she realised that they were all pushes from inside.. the heart that just pumps blood and not her mind.. He taught her that love just is.. and that was freedom. It was easy.

She realised she could live and love a man without having to lose herself, lose her goals and lose sight of her life. He was a catalyst in her life not a barrier..

She smiled and closed her journal and the final paragraph said ..

I am proud of myself. The only thing I think I did right in all the wrongs was believe in the fact that love exists, never lost hope..never gave up and did not rush.. waited for the man I wanted……I am glad I did..