When she was a kid, she never felt lonely.. infact, she did not know what it meant. She did not have a lot of friends or family around. It was just her parents and one close friend. But she never tasted loneliness. She always had the moon to talk to and it never left her alone. She could just look out of the window and start expressing herself and then slowly doze of to sleep in peace. It was only when she became an adult that she realised what real loneliness was. Being or feeling lonely is described in different ways by different people. Some think it is the lack of people around them while some can be lonely even when surrounded with people.

She felt the same. She was surrounded with people everywhere. She was an ambivert who could start a conversation with anyone and smile. She had really good workmates who were light hearted and made fun every now and then.. she had that one friend who had been there with her for almost 20 years now and they still shared that warm bond. Her mom spoke to her fives times a day and sometimes more. She had a great partner who was a great listener and a deep conversor. She was surrounded with perfect people who did the perfect thing if seen with naked eye.

She was lonely….

She tried to be in denial a lot of times saying to herself that she is demanding… she tried. Something in her broke when she felt this sense of loneliness specially when she was surrounded with people.

Someone had told her once that she was misunderstood often.. whatever she was feeling and what she spoke about were two different emotions. She was so used to guard her emotions that when faced with questions preferred making something up rather than disclosing her real feelings. What was she scared of? – She was scared of letting people too close. She thought if they knew what she felt, they could control her. Or was it too much of effort trying to make people understand because the feelings were so complicated? Or was it that she tried and got hurt? Do you know?

She was bad at expressing. She needed to be asked with patience to express, She was so wound up and guarded that she needed someone to hold her hand sit in front of her and ask her to express. What are you feeling was music to her ears.

But the world was not prepared for this. The world is an ever evolving world that leaves the slow behind.. She did not get that hand.

She hated the phrase – talk to me when you are fine 🙂 when she was low. But she acted like she loved it since it made her look stronger.

Sometimes she did get the how are you feeling but it had no intention..

She would go back to talking to the moon or talking to the journal as one of the self help books suggested. All her friends, family, colleagues always saw her cheerful, smiling and full of energy.

She was lonely…

She could not say what she felt and she wanted to. She just needed a hand. Where was it in this busy world?

She was known to be a strong woman – everyone refereed to her past and had good things to say – victory stories but where was that hand?

Where was that warmth? where was that patience?

She was lonely among the crowd.